Read Verse 1 — In the Beginning, I Did Not Know

or

Read — “In the Beginning, I was a Girl” — Part 1 of Becoming Aamir Ali

In the Beginning, I Did Not Know — Verse 2 — Becoming Aamir feat. Murjoni

Did you think gifts would erase what you said?

Words cut deep.

Mom

why didn’t you tell me that I was beautiful?

…forgiveness

This is not a poem.

Fuck what looks good when written on paper,

and read by unknowing eyes,

or heard by open ears.

These are my words and this is my life

I just choose to give you a glimpse into what makes me tick.

Excuse me if I come off a little rude —

But I’m never ignorant to the ways of the world.

don’t get this shit twisted though

This is not a poem.

These are not words that

I carefully put in places

to manipulate the feelings and thoughts

of everyone sitting here

Because sometimes that’s what I do.

This is me speaking to you.

As your eyes are speaking to me.

Not giving a damn about how you take this.

All your opinions are like ass holes, everyone has one.

But don’t let this perception of me deceive you….

Maybe I should explain.

Inside of me 

who

there is this girl

if you knew her

and

the things she has done

you would look down on her

When her self-esteem is already 6 feet beneath her feet.

Defiling herself

so she could maybe feel pretty,

When they were done dicking her down

she felt nothing but guilty.

Scrubbing the dirt from her immature body,

The coming day naive to the next man that said she was pretty.

The hate within herself made her search for love outside herself.

Over

and over

and over.

All of the

Made her willing

Down to do any and everything, just to feel special.

But when the willing are no longer willing,

Bad things always happen.

On more than several occasions —

Her cries of no meant nothing.

And her life before the age of 14

except for her guilt,

washed away down a shower drain, no recollection.

Satisfaction lies not in the eyes of those around you, but within yourself.

If I had taken that advice —

This little girl inside would not have been battered and bruised by many

But strong and tall overflowing with confidence.

I did not take it

I just wanted to be it.

In that, a new me rose

from the pile

of dirt and guilt

To protect that little girl

Not change her for better, just cover her make her look better.

I wanted to be the one holding the gun —

not the one it was being pointed at.

Hid the real me to expose my stronger ego.

Becoming more like those men who said she was special

Cause niggas like them did not have issues like her.

Look like them

Talk like them

Cold like them

Now this nothing to do with my identity,

But I be damned if I let another man dictate whether she will genuinely smile again.

I be damned if those people look down on her.

And I will give my life before she has to relive her past, again.

Not a damn thing I want anyone to say because,

I am not looking for your sympathy

She does not want your opinions

Go to hell with your deception.

I am no lesson to the wise,

Or a morsel for the belligerent.

This is just what it is.

Not a poem or a limerick

To be continued.

Credits

Original Words by the incredibly talented Aamir Ali, one of Herstun’s finest Click here for more of [Becoming AA]. Edited by Herstun.

Featured Visual Artist

A site regular is returning with another round of amazing sculptures. Murjoni was featured in our Sculptor Spotlight last month and continues to blaze through the art scene in the D.C., Maryland, Virginia area, as well as around the globe.

Visit Her page

Follow Murjoni on Instagram and YouTube

curated by w.d. herstun

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