And as I stood there, with my cheeks stricken with tears and lips swollen shut, I stared at the reflection of myself, no longer recognizing who I was.
Not only was my lip split in half, but there also was a hole big enough to stick my tongue through.
My eyes were filled with pain and emptiness and in that moment I knew I completely lost myself loving someone else.
Ironically, it was my first anniversary in therapy and I had made some strides, but I had been hiding the abuse from everyone in hopes that it would just disappear along with the damage it had done.
I had protected him for so long, creating scenarios and telling lies to justify the knots and bruises because I believed in his potential and wanted that to be a phase.
I mean, he was my husband and we would have been together until death parted us. At one point, I believed that wholly…even if he was the cause behind my injuries seen and unseen.
However, there was a shift this time and I knew I could no longer stick around to see the change I longed to witness…
My kids were watching all of this and saw the aftermath of what he did to that time!
I broke my silence and the shield placed to protect him began to perish.
But, no matter how much I knew I had to leave,
a part of me wanted to try a little more.
I had to write in order to begin this emotional and mental eviction process and it organically flowed into a poem, battling my conflictions with a pen.
I took my vows seriously after all, and it was supposed to be for better or worse, but that… my kids watching… that was my breaking point.
So, as I confessed my truths on paper, the tears began to flow, replaying each time he broke me down and each time I allowed it, replaying how many times I created apologies for a man that never felt remorse…
I mean, I played a role in my own destruction.
Thankfully, breakdowns create breakthroughs and I’m lucky to be able to tell my story because I am a survivor, I am resilient, and I am now UNAPOLOGETICALLY me!
I wanted to include the poem I wrote days after my last incident, just to give insight into my growth and show how confused I still was in that moment.
I still wanted him deep down.
I had fallen in love with his potential and not who he was.
I hope you enjoy the poem or learn from it, this writing was the beginning of strength and the birth of better days for me. Share your experiences with fatal attraction in the comments below.
I don’t think he understands the hold he has on me, but then again no one does.
And I don’t think he understands that the idea of me without he makes my stomach quiver uncontrollably,
Like the uncontrollable shudder your gut makes from what I imagine is your heart descending from its original position in your body SO
I don’t think he can feel the void I feel from trying to fill his with my love and commitment, I thought…
I thought that if I could just show him what realness looks like and what devotion felt like, You See
I devoted myself to him
And it wasn’t easy but with time I broke down my walls and barriers and chains, I let it all go with him,
He knows everything.
Now I hate to sound cliche, but it was love at first sight with him.
The kind of love that took my breath away with just a simple gaze into his perfect brown eyes,
I loved him…
At that very moment, he had me under his spell, marked fatal attraction and I couldn’t get enough of his insatiable stare,
I was hooked before we even touched, before our bodies ever touched, I felt him inside of me,
He was a part of me
And I him.
No matter how hard he tried to fight it, we were connected by something neither one of us understood and we couldn’t walk away
I remember when I asked him how much he loved me and his response was, he would kill and die for me…
That excited me…why?
Attraction grown addiction grown obsession and he was all mine!
Funny thing is I loved him the way he did me and any time an enemy attacked our fort, I visioned fatalities…
We were meant for each other except one thing…
He never broke down his walls for me and he never exposed his demons under the confidentiality clause so it created a stagnant pause in our potential to grow,
Like how it was intended to be because he doesn’t understand all the good he has to offer underneath all his baggage, I was willing to bare his burden,
but he had a different idea of how he would release his pain
And I would be the punching bag.
The first time felt like a dream, at least that’s what I forced myself to believe because he loved me…we loved each other.
That gaze in his eyes unrecognizable every time so maybe I convinced myself that it isn’t him, but the demons in control because he didn’t trust me with them.
Now I know it sounds crazy, but I understood and could hear his cry for help with every blow
He needed me to live, even if it meant I wasn’t.
Ironically, I feel his pain when he inflicts that on me,
Breakdowns create breakthroughs and this felt like there was no alternative because I needed him to break through the constraints in his mind and finally let me in.
Fighting a battle alone can bring the worst out of the best people and unfortunately, an undernourished brain isn’t equipped to sustain the fight without destroying every one else’s on the battlefield,
So I don’t think he understands that this was a team thing because he fought me like I was the enemy and I thought…
I thought that if I could just show him that I was ride or die,
I mean the hood part of me screamed Bonnie and Clyde til the end, but now the end feels nearer than I anticipated so…
That’s what comes with fatal attraction, someone has to die in the end, even if it’s just figuratively…
So, I just died, well at least that version of me.