Felt It In My Gut – On Learning to Trust My Intuition

You know, they say a woman’s intuition is never really wrong.

At this stage in my life, I know all too well what that gut feeling is like.

But we as women, often choose to ignore it.

At least I did!

I used to feel my gut, twisting and turning and I excused it as nerves.

Something about being around my husband made me feel like I had to use the bathroom in the worst way.

I wish I could say it was rainbows and sunshine in the beginning.

But we completely skipped that honeymoon phase.

Shit got real.

Real Quick.

Hindsight is 20/20.

When I reflect on life before the kids, there were major red flags.

I felt it in my gut. —

I can’t even use the kids as my crutch to explain why I stayed in the relationship so long.

It was like, even my BODY rejected this man, my husband.

My body started rejecting him long before my heart had the courage and my mind had the wisdom to join in.

Every time we had marital sex, I would end up with a UTI (urinary tract infection).

Yes, I know that UTIs are not considered sexually transmitted diseases.

UTIs can be caused by a disruption in a woman’s pH balance.

Too much acidity in my husband’s soul.

A spiritual exchange through intercourse was enough proof for my body to decide that his spirit did not intertwine with mine.

I felt it in my gut.

And just as my depression hit its peak, my judgment would become clouded.

His demons would attach to my darkness in an entrancing dance fueled by infatuation.

This was love.

Or what I thought love to be!

I was always so defensive of him.

So defensive of us.

Many people thought he was a rebound. They believed I couldn’t heal quickly enough from a previous relationship to love him fully.

They had to be WRONG

I would prove them wrong.

I would show them.

Why couldn’t they see that I NEEDED him?

Why couldn’t he see?

Ironically, it was he who humbled me.

In my quest to prove that he and I were meant to be —

I had invented an excuse for every one of his shortcomings. —

I justified all of his insecurities.

“He can change!” I would tell my gut.

My Gut would just roll and rumble in response.

“If I just overcompensate.”

“If I just work harder.”

“Love harder.”

“If I just stay.”

You know, they say a woman’s intuition is never really wrong.

My gut is no different.

-Nessla1

#LoveAlways #LetsGrow

curated by w.d. herstun

Credits & Wildenotes

Written By: Nessla1 with W.D. Herstun. Edited by Herstun.

We are back with another poem from the Survivor’s Story as told by Nessla1. Her strength continues to shine through her work and I am lucky that she is one of the most steady content contributors on the site.

I loved the image we chose to feature for her because it literally shows her gut covered with the wounds of womanhood. She did not edit out the imperfections. It would appear obvious that we should all trust ourselves, especially as women who have to interact with the world in a much different way then men. But, that does not always make it easy, especially when the confines of an abusive partnership.

Nessla1’s not going anywhere. We have a lot to learn with her And she is tackling issues affecting everyone including feminism, domestic abuse, parenthood, and generational poverty.

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And check out her blog on generational poverty.

But definitely, definitely, catch up with who Nessla1is, exclusively on Herstun FM Readio every Wednesday I can get her here. Believe that!

Can’t get enough of Nessla1? Check out her first post ever on Herstun FM Readio.