Family Feature Feel Fierce Identity

Secondary Infertility By A Sass Mouthed Mama

October 30, 2019

According to the National Survey of Family Growth, more than 1 million American couples grapple with secondary infertility. Tara is a self-described sass-mouthed, Southern, mommy blogger with a story to tell. Meet her family. #Herstun

Infertility
Me, Tara + My Dog, Sunny

One of the hardest parts of secondary infertility for me is that I didn’t feel like it was fair for me to be hurt.

Infertility

I have an amazing little boy, how could I want more?

There are people that will never know the joy I feel holding him in my arms, so how dare I ask for more?

My Thoughts.

I would cross the room for some chore and find myself trapped in my thoughts again.

He doesn’t deserve a mother so distracted by her desire to grow her family.

My Thoughts.

I had a plan for my family. The plan included siblings for my son.

Infertility
Our son.

My Plan

Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lords’ plans that prevail

[ Proverbs 19:21 ]

For months I agonized over temperatures,

What supplements will increase my fertility?

When are our best chances to get pregnant?

Infertility

And for months I prayed my heart out.

I cried.

I begged.

I screamed.

And I dreamed, all to no avail.

When your body doesn’t seem to do what it should or once did it’s devastating.

Especially when there is no explanation for the struggles you face.

I was so down, discouraged and bitter.

Infertility steals away purpose.

Yes, I still get to raise and nurture my beautiful baby boy. But, the family I dreamed of is now so far out of reach. It hurts to know that I can’t fulfill what I identify as my purpose, and it’s not for lack of trying or effort.

Being around friends who were experiencing the blessings that I wanted was difficult. It was hard for me to be on social media where pregnancy and birth announcements are a dime a dozen.

For example, welcoming a baby in Prosserville 😍🥺😭

And it was nearly impossible for me to sit in church every Sunday without weeping through the whole sermon.

When did life get so hard?

My thoughts.

I started to do infertility and loss devotions, multiple times a day because I really just knew I needed to retrain my heart to feel gratitude toward the Lord rather than the hurt and resentment of a child who felt overlooked, ignored, and unloved.

God’s Plan

For I the Lord thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, fear not; I will help thee.

[ Isaiah‬ ‭41:13‬ ‭KJV‬‬ ]

In difficult times it’s hard to remember the truth. God does love you. God adores you. Even when all you feel is Pain.

Every morning I would rise again with the hope that this will be when God has decided to say, “Yes. Here is the baby you have been desiring for so long”.

Day in and day out I’d listen to songs about how God is with me in the valleys & in the fire. I heard Him sing that He isn’t hard to find. He hummed that He is there in the heartache. And hymned He would cross the ocean for me. God promised me that my miracle is just around the corner. I would weep through these songs but kept on singing.

“O how high would I climb mountains
If the mountains were where You hide
O how far I’d scale the valleys
If You graced the other side”
And I ACTIVELY chose hope.

My heavenly Father wouldn’t have placed such a strong desire for more children in my heart if He wasn’t going to allow it to happen. He can perform miracles, where a virgin gives birth to a King, and 90-year-olds not only get pregnant but conceive. God won’t leave me hanging, unfulfilled and heartbroken.

Self-thoughts.

No amount of money has stopped our efforts. After ten months of no luck, we began working with my amazing midwife, who eventually sent us on to a fertility specialist.

We still endured multiple miscarriages and chemical pregnancies.

Some days I feel like I must’ve done something to deserve this.

God doesn’t love you enough to answer your prayers because you don’t deserve good things.

If only I was a better mom;

more patient and gentle,

who knew how to respond to every motherly situation,

then surely I would be blessed with another baby

God knows my story.

It’s His plan, after all.

He knows how much this hurts. God knows every ache of my heart, He is aware that with each day, it breaks a little more. With every loss, negative pregnancy test, or pregnancy announcement on social media, a tiny part of my heart crumbles.

He knows the tears I’ve cried, that I hide in the bathroom sobbing so that I don’t wake up my husband at night. My husband would comfort me, but he wouldn’t understand; that dear man is ever hopeful and positive, and sometimes I don’t want positive, I want someone to be upset with me. Because I deserve it. It MUST be something with ME.

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Can’t you see?

I was ready to give up.

It’s time to tell my husband and my son, “I’m sorry,” but I can’t try anymore. I tell God that I am grateful He has sustained me this long. I also know He could fix this if He wanted to. He could snap a finger, and I’d have a whole slew of children growing in me. I wish I knew what I did to deserve this.

Weary I am. I said I am ready to give up.

I know that God loves me and has blessed me so abundantly my whole life, but do His gifts stop? Do they run out? Am I any less deserving now than I was three years ago? Am I a bad mom, and I don’t realize it?

Self-thoughts.

I wish I knew these answers because the questions run through my head daily.

Constantly trying to remind myself that regardless of my ability to carry a pregnancy to term, I have all I could require.

There are 20 thousand children dying daily because of starvation around this world and God hasn’t snapped his fingers to end their tragedy, so why would I think my plights are even comparable?

Self-Check.

From the gravest of all valleys
Come the pastures we call grace
A mighty river flowing upwards
From a deep but empty grave

Hillsong

Heaven

One day, when I get to Heaven I would love to be able to understand these things; to sit down with my Heavenly Father and ask him,

“Why did you allow my heart to break, and my confidence to tank?”

Me to God at the Pearly Gates of Heaven

My husband says that I will know the moment I get to Heaven.

Suddenly, I will have an understanding of all of these things that confuse me now. All I know is that God is powerful and He could stop all the pain, for everyone on earth, right now if He chose to; but He doesn’t, so there must be a reason why.

We were supposed to be holding another baby in our arms on September 22 this year. But that baby we thought would be part of our family was never meant for time on this Earth. He was for Heaven.

One day, when I get to heaven, I will ask our baby if he enjoyed his brief stay in mommy’s belly on Earth. I hope that God helped him understand why he couldn’t stay with us.

Our Blessings

After our first round of insemination, I became pregnant. I know I wouldn’t be halfway to meeting our blessed baby Everett if it weren’t for the Lord’s plan, for He giveth and taketh away.

Once you’ve experienced loss and grief you learn that you aren’t in charge, and all you can do is surrender. If it wasn’t for the emotional roller coaster that comes with joy and pain of secondary infertility, then I surely wouldn’t be as strong as I am today.

This baby of mine is so prayed for and over by so many wonderful people. I am incredibly grateful.

He took us longer to conceive than I expected. But it’s because I’m growing an elephant who will shake the Earth as he steps, causing great change for good.

All Infertility Sucks

A Letter to the Mothers Struggling with Infertility –

To anyone who may be hurting because of loss or infertility, I am so sorry. I am sorry because I didn’t know how much it hurts to see people sharing their joy on social media, until I felt that envy and hurt myself.

Because of my experience, I have toned down the sheer quantity of posts I make about my son. I don’t wish to hurt you further and I’ll do better next time. This time.

I am always here to talk if you’d like to message me or meet for coffee, to commiserate with or to hear what worked for us.

We tried SO many things and spent SO much money to have our second baby boy. I will pray for you or pray to you. You can count on me sending big hugs and baby dust your way.

And thank you for all those praying for us.

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Marchok Party of 4!

Please continue to pray that in early February we get to meet our healthy baby boy, Everett William.

I share all of this because I want to take one of the darkest experiences of my life to give someone else hope. And because I always want to remember what life is like when the cards are stacked against you.

I am a strong, sass-mouthed, Southern mama to two boys, married to the man of my dreams and surrendering it all to God. And this is just part of my story.

Secondary Infertility

#LetsGrow #LoveAlways

Credits

Written By Tara Marchok. Edited By Herstun.

WildeNotes

I was scrolling Facebook innocently one day when I came across a long and vulnerable status from Tara about her struggles over the last year. The status struck me silent thinking about the joys and challenges of Prosserville over on the Herstun FM Readio. Every month I post photos, advice, lists, and stories from a family with three beautiful and healthy children. However, I do not know if they ever struggled to conceive those children. But infertility is a real problem facing so many families that I know. And encountering women that have battled infertility always changes the way I perceive things. I hope that Tara sheds some light on a topic that is hard to address. God bless her and her family and their incoming growth. And a very sincere thanks for allowing me to produce this.

It’s so easy to look at Tara’s facebook feed and see the beauty in her life. Her page smells like family trips to Disney World and sugar cookies.

(And not the regular cookies, the big beautiful decorated-for-the-occasion-by-mama cookies).

Yet, she is experiencing struggles that can be hard to fathom on any given day. I think that is the case with struggle in general. We find it incredibly hard to grasp and understand that no matter HOW pretty any picture is, struggle is a part of life and nature. (Did television make us so ill-adjusted to understanding and allowing for struggle?)

Most people do experience trouble in life. Despite the efforts they put in, they get back nothing. People in turbulent times have to find ways to cope that allow for peace. And we have to figure out how to create space for that within our preconceived notions of each other. Yes, Tara is beautiful and can have a beautiful life and still struggle with things I don’t know about or understand. Things aren’t any more perfect for her than they are for me in most ways. My agitating for change within and for my community doesn’t take away from my ability to accept that everyone has problems, y’all.

I also hope that Tara can see that there isn’t one thing wrong with her. Prayerfully, having her thoughts laid out like this, helps her understand that it was just the Devil playing games with her head. Anyone of us is susceptible to questioning our faith or the values we hold dearest to us when times are hard. Infertility is a problem many women face, and she slayed them like the warrior she is. #WildeThoughts

Tara is the first of many community stories that will be run on the Herstun Writer this holiday season. We want to include all types of perspectives. I hope you keep rocking with us. Let’s grow y’all.
If you love reading stories about families and the unique challenges that face mothers then check out the Family section exclusively on Herstun FM Readio!
Sources

Tara’s social media and journal entries.

And if you want to see Tara give us more blogs and cookie posts then comment below and let her know.

To learn more about secondary infertility, or infertility in general, check out Modern Fertility, a blog run by Kara Earthman, a Women’s Health Nurse Practitioner (WHNP) and writer living and working in Nashville, TN.

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